I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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