Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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