I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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