the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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