Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
