I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
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I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
how does that bad decision feel?
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