He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
