Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
