I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
