dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
