I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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