I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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