yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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