my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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