mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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