Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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