Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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