I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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