I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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