The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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