i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
