listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
