I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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