I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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