You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
love makes seman taste better
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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