Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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