Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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