he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
