Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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