yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
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He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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