thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
