She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
