She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
only you would photoshop your dick
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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