I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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