I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
