Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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