It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
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I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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