i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
