when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
