Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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