when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
