i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
