is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he fucked my hip out of place.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize