Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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