He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
