Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
