This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
