remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
