Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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