im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
