I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
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I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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