you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize