I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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