On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
