Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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