I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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