I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
